Oh shirt.

I bet everything I had on a "Best T-Shirt Contest". I lost my shirt and I lost my shirt.

It's Official.

I have officially received more emails about helping the pets of New Orleans than the people of New Orleans.

My Katrina question: Debit cards?!! To use where?

AIDS ribbon

I was wearing an AIDS ribbon and I noticed some strange lady frowning at me.

I said, "What? You think I shouldn't wear an AIDS ribbon?"

She said, "No, I think you should wear something with it."

Catnap

A friend of mine was fired when he was caught catnapping. They traced his handwriting from the ransom notes and they made him return all the cats.

Screw 'em up.

Two great things to teach your kids:

1. You're better than everyone else.

2. You'll never be good enough.

They walk around with the funniest look on their faces.

"The Aristocrats"

Did you hear about the George Bush biography? It's called "The Aristocrats".

Resolution

My New Year's Resolution:

No more putting off making my New Year's Resolutions.

Protesters

Abortion protesters literally scream bloody murder.

Eat up.

If you ever get the chance to go to an intervention for anorexia, do not miss it.
You wouldn't believe all the food they lay out at those things.