There's an unsettling similarity between the writing process and constipation.
When you're young, you think: "The world is my oyster." When you're older, you think: "Thank god it's not."
Tim told me that a leg on one our chairs was broken. So I took it out back and shot it.
At a restaurant I ordered venison. My friend remarked, "I hope you realize you're eating Bambi's mother." I said, "At these prices, this better be Bambi."
I'm completely addicted to a reality show called "Intervention".
The biggest tragedy in all of this is, of course, we're going to have to listen to LaToya interviews.
When someone remarked every teenage boy had a Farrah Fawcett poster, Tim remarked, "Well...nine out of ten boys did."
The best thing about talking on a cellphone while driving is I really can't hear all the people honking at me.
I ordered coffee at a diner. The waiter said, "Regular?"
I said, "I will be after I've had my coffee."
When I got on the elevator this morning, a fly flew in just before the doors closed.
I thought, "That has got to be the laziest fly I've ever seen."
The argument "if it was good enough for my father, then it's good enough for me" doesn't hold water. Wearing wingtips and black socks on a public beach was "good enough for my father".
If you're not supposed to drink and drive how the hell am I going to drive myself to drink?
I asked a coworker if he thought there was life after death. He said, "I don't know what's over there but I'm sure we'll be busy."
There are two types of people in the world. The type that worries about who's sleeping with who. And the type that worries about who's getting fed.
Officially the hardest job in the U.S. today:
the closed-captionist for "The Real Housewives of New York City".
From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?
I'm not the least bit impressed by celebrities. I am completely intimidated by them which is sort of the same thing.
My answer to the question "Is everything a joke to you?": it can be, if you give me a minute....
Monsters vs Aliens: 3d technology so amazing I'm willing to predict that in mere weeks it will be applied to porn.
In a brief 100 years, the two most feared words in the English language went from "Black Plague" to "System Restore".
Good news: you are are not going to turn into your mother.
Bad news: your daughter will.
Unattributed quote to protect the perverted:
"When I surf for porn I hang 10. Then I wipe out."
I remember when I first heard car alarms I thought,
I can't wait for the day when car thieves learn how to get around that so I don't have to listen to it.
Text message to Right Wing Evangelicals: I am more than willing to sit through any cure you've got for my being gay on the condition that right afterward, you sit through my cure for your being straight.
Denny's new ad campaign:
Drop in on our Sunday Brunch and eat our scrumptious
We - Found-Something-In - the - Freezer - That - Expires - On - Monday Omelet!
A fairly typical Renaissance Fair in the Year 2050:
People will dress up in Dockers,
step into a booth,
vote for Ronald Reagin (sp?),
step out,
get their 4D pictures taken,
and laugh their asses off.
My neighbors get upset whenever I walk around the house naked.
In my defense, I only walk around the house once and then go straight back inside.
Crossing the street, a car was speeding toward me. Behind the wheel: Britney Spears. I was starstruck.
I've printed out a flyer to hang on the door handles of local small businesses. It reads: "Here's a piece of crap for you to throw away."
When my brother Tim heard that the creator of Mr. Magoo died, he commented, "Wow. I really didn't see that coming."
Advice to teens: If you've been toying with the idea of becoming "bigger than life" -- let me assure you: life is big enough.
I asked Tim why in the world someone would name their dog, Karma. Tim said, "So he can say 'Good Karma...good Karma...heal...heal."
When my friend Lindsay wants to change the subject she precedes it with the phrase: "Whiplash alert."
When I die, I want them to put up a sign about ten feet in front of my tombstone that reads "Spoiler Alert."
Why human beings love the ocean: given what we evolved into, we're starting to realize we went too far and should probably be headed back in the other direction.
I don't cook much. I just made a meatloaf. The whole time I had to keep reminding myself, "You are not cloning a human embryo. You are making a really big hamburger."
I came home and found a man face down in a pool of blood. It was murder...draining all that blood out of the pool.
We were told that a friend had a baby and named it "Bruno". I joked "Is it a boy or a girl?" My friend Barbara said, "Yeah. Nowadays you have to ask...."
A man suspected of having intercourse with an underage sheep escaped while in police custody. Police suspect he is still on the lam.
I called my brother on the East Coast. He said the weather is finally warming up. I told him Los Angeles is freezing cold. He asked how cold. I told him 43 degrees. He said, "Yeah. Same here."
50% of marriages end in divorce. Which means the other 50% end in death. Divorce doesn't sound so bad, huh?
They fly in your face, they walk around on your food and regurgitate in it. I think flies are begging us to swat them so they can be reincarnated into something that doesn't eat shit and roadkill.
Someone asked me if I'd ever seen Black Hawk Down.
I said, "No, but I bet it's really soft."
Anyone know the brand name of the shoes that were thrown at Bush? I want a pair.
My parents used to torture me as a child. Once or twice a year, they would take me to a room where a man would drill holes in my teeth and fill the holes with metal.
You know what I hate about God? He tells the Israeli's he's on their side. Then he goes and tells the Palestinians he's on their side. Frankly, I think he just likes to stir up shit.
When you compare a movie to the book it's based on, 9 times out of 10, the movie doesn't hold up.
So I've stopped reading.
The purpose of anti-depressants is to view your life more clearly.
Common side-effect: thoughts of suicide.
In high school, I remember reading that Oscar Wilde was sentenced to two years in Reading Gaol.
I thought, could have been worse. Could have been Arithmetic Gaol.
I have a sneaking suspicion that people who are amazed by David Copperfield are also amazed by your standard elevator.
I listen to Opera. I listen to Rap.
Sure, most of it's crap, but let's face it: 90% of everything is crap.
It's Christmas at the Palin household! And Sarah's busy baking sugar cookies and gutting Blitzen.
The reason stand-up comics like to make fun of mimes is because they know they won't be heckled.
"There's no time like the present" should read "There's no time but the present".
There's really no sense in comparing apples and oranges. Oranges are better.
Text message to Fundamentalist Christians: If you truly want to follow Jesus' example? Stay single and don't procreate.
For the longest time, I assumed a metrosexual was someone who had sex on the subway.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. With no guarantee that it won't be your last.
My theory on why Obama invited Rick Warren to the inauguration: Fred Phelps wasn't available.
For years, American airports have been treating shoes as the most dangerous objects in the world. Now we know why.
Given the amount of hair I have, why do I spend more on a haircut than most? The same reason a bonsai artist gets paid more than a tree trimmer.
The most useful phrase my mother ever taught me: "Oh dear. That was an unfortunate remark...."
Of course Blagojevich is still going to the office. He has a ton of shredding to do.
What I want written on my tombstone: "I'm having a better time than you."
Lindsay has jury duty tomorrow and listed me as her "emergency contact". I asked what that means. She said, "It means you'll get a call from the courthouse tomorrow asking "How do we handle her when she gets like this?"
I was eating a Healthy Choice frozen dinner and someone asked me why I put butter on it. "Because I'm making an additional choice."
Now that Tim is the Abbot of the Zen Center does that automatically make me the Costello of the Zen Center?
Albertson's supermarket has a slogan: "Albertson's. It's your store." But you should have seen the way they acted when I went in and tried to fire one of my employees.
Text message to Christians who complain about "the gay agenda":
I'll drop mine if you drop yours.
More than anything else, I hate looking stupid. Oddly, being stupid hasn't bothered me one bit.
FUN FACT: The average toothpaste tube lasts approximate 10 weeks.
Except the last inch, which lasts up to a year.
From the blog:
Mormons are backing an anti-gay marriage proposition because they believe in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman.
Text message to everyone I know: I find out that you didn't vote tomorrow, I will slap you with an open hand.
How to end an uncomfortable conversation: "Hold on a second. You're starting to cut out... I can barely hear you. You're breaking up. If you can still hear me, let's try this another time. Okay?"
This is especially effective when you're talking to the person face to face.
The woman behind me in the supermarket had a baby in her cart. The baby lets out an ear-splitting squeal. The mother turns to me and says, "She needs brake fluid."
If you're nervous at the thought of speaking in front of a group, use this tried and true technique. Look out into the audience, picture each and every audience member naked, then excuse yourself to go throw up in a bucket.
My campaign prediction: I'm going out on a limb here but I think that when Barack Obama wins the election, I predict that John McCain will punch Sarah Palin square in the face.
Friend of mine: "Sometimes I think I should have been born in another century."
Me: "You were."
Just saw an interview with "Joe the Plumber". He gave a better interview than any of the interviews with the Lipsticked Moose.
From the debate:
"Congressman Lewis hurt my feelings by comparing me to George Wallace, and Senator Obama should disown those remarks."
I'm sorry...but did The Geezer really try playing the race card against Barack Obama last night?
Last Halloween, I went to a party full of hookers, vampires, and naughty nurses. Dressed in CPA, tax attorney, and computer programmer costumes.
It's taken some time to admit it but I've come to accept the fact that my milkshake is not better than yours. It is separate but equal to yours.
If you're bragging about how you're unpopular with your own party and how you vote against your party, and you "reach across the aisle" --essentially aren't you saying the Democrats are doing a better job?
Fast becoming the two most influential non-politicos in the 2008 election: Katie Couric and Tina Fey.
I saw a Japanese mother feeding her toddlers raw eel. And to think of the fits I used to pitch over peas.
Another thing I learned from the debate last night: America is not in the mood for winking.
VP debate notes: the only thing the J.B. and the Lipstick Pig agreed on 100%
No gay marriage.
There's a real fine line between "good manners" and "two-faced".
I bought a new pair of scissors that was wrapped in that impossible-to-open Fort Knox clamshell plastic packaging.
I just stared at it thinking, "You know what would be really handy right now...?"
It could easily have gone this way:
"I'm happier than a pig in shit."
"How dare you call my running mate that!"
When someone makes a crack about your going bald: "Hey! I have hair! It's at home....but I have it."
Word of the Day: maverick (ˈma-və-rik)
noun (1.) One who is inexplicably nuts. (2.) ...possibly senile.
We all watched Bill Clinton get impaled on his marital infidelity.
In the case of S arah P alin, it's open season.
Dare to dream.
Follow your bliss.
Reach for the stars.
And for fuck sake, don't write a book about it.
There's a presidential debate due on Friday.
One candidate has decided it's a great opportunity to talk to America about how we're going to wrangle our way out of this 8 year debacle.
And the other candidate has decided to treat it as "Whoo hoo! Snow day!"
Last night, the Hollywood Bowl had "Sing-A-Long Sound of Music" but there was something about singing "Lonely Goatherd" with 18,000 people that didn't appeal to me.
Some people like to think of the glass as half full. Other people like to think of the glass as half empty. I like to think of the glass as full of vodka with a twist of lemon.
The homeless are not looking for a hand out. They're looking for a bail out. Like Freddie or Fannie or AIG.
It's official as of today. If you are still defending the Republican Party at this point, you're an idiot.
I've never been to "me".
I've thought about it but the brochures were so unappealing.
Mc Cain has picked a running mate that has half the country terrified. That's not leadership. Technically, it's terrorism.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Of course, shit works better than either of those.
A friend of mine says she's giving me a clue for my birthday. Isn't that sweet?
The private lives of politicians: the fact that John McCain called his wife a c*nt is none of my business. The fact that he was stupid enough to do it in front of a group of reporters is.
They say "Art imitates Life". But lately, I've noticed that "Life imitates Sitcoms". And only the really bad sitcoms...
Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that, when human cloning is perfected, it's only going to be popular with people I can't even stand one of?
Nobody knows this but the International Brotherhood of Picket Sign Manufacturers have been out on strike for a year.
When expressing opinions, try these handy phrases. Believe it or not, they will make you look smart:
Text message to Sarah Palin:
There is only one birth control method that is as foolproof as abstinence and that is lesbianism. And, much like abstinence, it's not for everyone.
I think we should be able to vote for first lady.
I'm thinking President Caroline Kennedy and First Lady Michelle Obama.
Your bliss is defined by the that one thing you do that makes all time disappear -- it could be dance or music, windsurfing or golf, eating or praying, and of course, heroin or crack cocaine.
Homosexuality is not an abomination. Pineapple and ham on pizza, however, is.
Most of the reasons I do things are psychological. By which I mean, psycho yet logical.
Text message to the Manufacturers of Triscuits, Wheat Thins, or Doritos:
Your new ad campaign in 2 words -- "People kibble."
The only thing worse than a racist remark is a racist remark preceded by "I'm not racist or anything but...."
What McCain should have said when asked how many houses he owns: "You mean 'How many houses does my wife own? Hell, if I know.' "
Verbs we didn't have when I was growing up: hydrate, strategize, IM, waterboard, supersize, Tivo, outsource, and crunk.
There's an age where you go from "checking to see if your fly is up" to "checking to see if you're wearing pants".
When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: "Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours, to see. Que Sera, Sera."
Here's what I said to her: "Asshole...."
Text message to Women Who Think Men Age More Gracefully than Women:
You get to keep your hair!
I hate when they do a remake of a movie that only came out three years ago. Even worse, I hate when I realize that the movie that came out three years ago actually came out twelve years ago.
When I discovered that "nonplussed" means the opposite of what people think it means, I completely was.
Went to Staples and bought boxes of paper clips, brads, and rubber bands. I put them in my desk drawer. Now I have to look for them in a drawer where every box is marked "Staples".
Punchline:
The man said, in a whisper, ‘Oh, sorry. Can I have a hamburger?’”
Eitan on the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics: "I think we can forgive all of China's human rights violations since they put on a really great show."
We have a bonsai elm on our back porch. And because we live in California, every Autumn I think it's dying.
Re: McCain's ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton:
there is no truth to the rumor that in the original ad, McCain compared Obama to Ginger Rogers and Mae West.
At the end of the day, all things being equal, you should push the envelope, think outside the box, give it 110%, step up to the plate, and avoid cliches.
Advice to parents: if you are encouraging your toddlers to "Use your words", be advised that policy is going to bite you in the ass during their teen years.
This quote from my friend, Puddin' Turkelson: "I'm an atheist - unless something really bad happens, and then I'm not."
"America's Got Talent" should be "America Has Talent". And judging from the show, it has neither talent nor grammar skills.
Speaking from experience: when you meet a black gay republican, your brain just sort of locks up.
My email program has an icon that says "Unread". After clicking it numerous time, I beginning to think that unreading an email is impossible.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits" Seven words you can't say in a eulogy.
After listening to a speech from Pope Benedict XVI, our President said, "Thank you, your holiness. Awesome speech." Which I suppose would be completely appropriate if he were talking to Pope John Paul Moondoggy XXIII.
Tim's theory as to why the news media is reporting on the Cindy McCain Cookie Recipe Scandal: it's one of the few "news stories" where they don't have to pronounce Abid Hamid al-Tikriti or Jamal Mustafa Abdallah Sultan al-Tikriti.
Heard a reporter mention "ethnic cleansing" on the radio today. What a cute phrase for "slaughter". Down the line, I'm sure it will be changed to "ethnic sprucing up".
When bumping fists with her husband, Michelle Obama has been accused by the media of terrorist activity. I'm guessing if the poor woman passed gas, the media would report it as an Anthrax scare.
Text message to activists: it's all fine and good that you're saving humanity. But you still have to tip your waitress.
For the longest time, I thought a "ne'er-do-well" was someone who was really good with depilatories.
Careful. The statement, "My! Look how big you've gotten!" fluctuates wildly when said to a 4 year old, an adult, a pregnant woman, or a porn star.
Now that marriage is briefly legal in California, people have been asking me and Tim if we're getting married. Both our answers are: "He hasn't asked me."
One problem with fish is you're never really sure if they're sneezing or farting.
Looking for the perfect baby name? Name your newborn "Heroin". Down, the line, your child will be so busy blaming you for this extreme lapse in judgment, she will probably gloss over any real mistakes you make.
The other night at a restaurant, the waiter came to the table with my meal, danced around the table three times, dropped the plate on the table and said, "You got served!"
How dull are these three candidates -- Barrack, Hillary, & John -- that the worst dirt anyone can dig up on them is that their pastors are making inflammatory remarks? Which, if I recall correctly, is exactly what pastors are supposed to do.
Say what you will about smoking, you have to admit it does teach one valuable lesson: Smoking causes cancer.
Last night, Eitan mentioned he knew a woman who got fired for
masturbating at work.
Lou: "She probably had Carpet Tunnel Syndrome."
I wondered what would be a good site that could compete with MySpace and
Facebook. Lou: "Sitonmyfacebook."
Someday, I hope to go to a Starbucks in Mexico to see if they list "Soy Latte" as "I am Latte".
Buddhist graffiti. In intersections, all over town, they've been painting "Keep clear."
Growing up Catholic, we suffered a lot of taunting, name-calling and ridicule. Mostly from the nuns and priests.
Smoking cigarettes is absolutely the best way to lose weight. Unfortunately, you lose all of it.
Now that the Writers' Strike is over, thousands of writers can finally breathe a big sigh of relief and go back to the serious business of being unemployed.
Another from Lou after Friday dinner: I see a morbidly obese actor on TV. Incredulous, I ask "Is that Nathan Lane?!"
Lou: "No, that's Nathan Highway."
Two fish in our pond...it's pouring down rain, and I heard this as clear as a bell.
Fish 1: Boy, it's really coming down, isn't it?
Fish 2: So?
Welcome to Los Angeles! All the kids you thought were annoying in high school? They're here.
Consrvative Chrstians think they should be able to go anywhere in this country without being offended by something they see or hear. You know what? Stay home.
And the award for the most disgusting ad slogan of the new millennium goes to...Kaopectate: "Diarrhea. It stops me in my tracks."
Tim and I are both out of work due to the Writer's Guild Strike -- this being Los Angeles, I guess we're now Poor White Recyclables.
Went to the ANDY WARHOL DEAD AT 21 ART SHOW -- full of all the same old faces and I didn't recognize a single one.
Best artist there: Lou Cannizzaro
Tim mentioned someone at work he hadn't mentioned before.
I asked, "Oh? What's she like?" He said, "Regrettably healthy...."
Little Drummer Boy:
Baby Jesus...pah rum pah pum pum. I have no gift to bring...pah rum pah pum pum.
Baby Jesus:
Uh...looks like you got a drum there. Why can't I have that?
I got a bill in the mail for a Time Machine. Apparently, I bought it twenty years from now.
I heard that all the schools in Sudan have a swear jar, and every time you use the name "Mohammed" you have to cut off a finger and put it in the jar.
Text Message to You-Know-Who:
Don't ask the question "Did you get a haircut?" unless you plan to follow it up with "Looks good!"
Two helpful tips for today.
A: Don't ever watch the Discovery Channel. and B: Don't let anyone explain dust mites to you. You'll never sleep again.
Abraham Lincoln's last words: "No, I don't mind sitting here...I just can't figure out why Andrew Johnson wanted to switch with us."
Years ago, my mother decided to make beef tongue for dinner. When it came time to cook dinner, she couldn't find the cow tongue she'd left on the counter.
My brother, Terrance, had stuck it in our mail slot so the front door had a huge tongue lolling out of it. We had pizza that night and didn't get mail for a week.
Cigarettes have been banned in public - because they're annoying and can potentially destroy the lives of the people around them. On the other hand, children have not been banned in public. See where I'm going with this?
Alice Ghostley died a few months ago. The family has requested people to refrain from referring to her as "Alice Ghostlier"
Tim's dad is visiting. I think he's my father-in-almost-law. But Lou thinks he's my father-in-all-the-rights-and responsibilities-of-marriage-under-state-law.
Because I am a member of the WGA, people have started to ask me, "Are you striking?" So I tell them, "Well, I've always thought so..."
"My daughter had a birthday - I spent weeks planning it - and they did an article saying I killed the neighbour's dog" - Heather Mills
Well, did you?
This from my brother, Tim: "I was going to buy one of those TVs with a giant 60 inch screen...but I said fuck it, and moved my couch so it's now 4 inches away from my old TV set. Works great!"
Many many years ago, my friend, Robert Shaffron, wrote a haiku that I have never forgotten because to this day it remains the only haiku I ever liked:
First, five syllables.
Then, seven more syllables.
Five more syllables.
I have the flu and my whole world is cherry flavored narcotics. Two words for the drug companies: bacon flavored.
The clock in my car has a setting for A.M./P.M. If you're in your car and you can't figure out if it's 2 a.m. or 2 p.m., you shouldn't be driving.
A friend told me, "Last night I had the worst diarrhea of my life." I told him, "So let's keep it positive and only discuss the best diarrhea of your life."
Last night, someone said to me, "I don't believe that for a second." So I asked him, "Then exactly how long do you think you would believe it for?"
Anyone who owns a computer knows it's not a science. And no one thinks it's an art. At best, it's a "hobby run amok".
I don't know why people insist nothing rhymes with orange. "Nothing" and "orange" don't sound anything alike. Come to think of it, nothing rhymes with "nothing"....
I was reading a little about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was shocked to find that it was all about me.
A tourist tram at one of the studios hit my car and trashed the bumper. Forty witnesses and every one of them had a camera.
How I handle sales calls since I've started watching Bravo:
"I can't talk right now. I'm plating my dinner."
"Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?"
Isn't the real lesson there: "Don't study, kids, because you're not going to retain a word of it."?
For some reason, baby name books don't include initials as names. So I'm writing "The Big Book of Popular Baby Initials" Here's an excerpt from the book:
"A.J. ~ B.J. ~ C.J. ~ D.J. ~ J.J. ~ K.J. ~ M.J. ~ O.J. ~ P.J. ~ R.J. ~ T.J. "
Tim's response: I've never heard an ugly person complaining about their looks. Only the good-looking whine about it....
Complaining about your looks does not make you better looking. Or interesting.
Rumor has it that shortly after her 1st birthday, Dannielynn checked into pre-hab.
The Texas Department of Criminal Justice has a website that lists the Final Meal Requests of all their criminals who were on death row.
One "Larry Hayes" has become my symbol of optimism. Included in his last menu was two diet Cokes.
(Sept. 23) - Marcel Marceau, who revived the art of mime and brought poetry to silence, has died, his former assistant said Sunday. He was 84.
Apparently, he was dumbstruck.
I really object to seeing someone breast-feeding in public. Although it's not as bad when it's a woman doing it...
Whenever horses get together for a meeting, the vote is always unanimously against whatever they're voting on.
I was coming out of a Rite Aid and some guy was collecting money for a Christian Charity. He said, "Jesus loves you." I said, "I know, but he's way too controlling."
In an art class, I spent hours trying to come up with something. I got an "A" for drawing a blank.
My friend Eitan mentioned this: "Repetition is the sincerest form of battery."
I went to an anagram website and it turns out that the anagram for my full legal name is: "A glib manlike wit."
Oh sure, they start out "Good 'n' Plenty" but at the end they're just "Okay 'n' Some"
This is what you agree to when you use a product. Guess which product:
"You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons."
Itunes.
Explain it to me: a 15 minute student short film takes more time to watch than Titanic?
I have always found that people are poor listeners, especially when you start off with "I have always found."
This came up last night. A guy with a handicap plaque on his car pulled into a perfectly good non-handicap parking space. I think he should get a ticket for that and I think the fine should be double the amount the fines are for parking in a handicap space illegally.
