When my friend Lindsay wants to change the subject she precedes it with the phrase: "Whiplash alert."
Feb 25, 2009
Feb 23, 2009
The End
When I die, I want them to put up a sign about ten feet in front of my tombstone that reads "Spoiler Alert."
Feb 22, 2009
Devolution.
Why human beings love the ocean: given what we evolved into, we're starting to realize we went too far and should probably be headed back in the other direction.
Feb 19, 2009
Is it done yet?
I don't cook much. I just made a meatloaf. The whole time I had to keep reminding myself, "You are not cloning a human embryo. You are making a really big hamburger."
Feb 16, 2009
This didn't happen.
I came home and found a man face down in a pool of blood. It was murder...draining all that blood out of the pool.
Feb 14, 2009
Name game.
We were told that a friend had a baby and named it "Bruno". I joked "Is it a boy or a girl?" My friend Barbara said, "Yeah. Nowadays you have to ask...."
Feb 12, 2009
Groan
A man suspected of having intercourse with an underage sheep escaped while in police custody. Police suspect he is still on the lam.
Feb 11, 2009
It's a matter of degree.
I called my brother on the East Coast. He said the weather is finally warming up. I told him Los Angeles is freezing cold. He asked how cold. I told him 43 degrees. He said, "Yeah. Same here."
Feb 9, 2009
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