New Maxim

Some are born great. Some acheive greatness. And some are just grating on the nerves.

Intervention

I truly believe if my friends cared about me the least little bit, they would hold an intervention and tell me to stop going to the gym.

Shady

I'm all sunburned. Someone told me it was 110 in the shade so of course I wanted to avoid it as much as possible.

Sheep dip.

A friend of mine only uses sheepskin condoms exclusively. Lousy on protection, but it takes the sheep longer to become suspicious.

Failed at being a portrait painter. Kept accidentally painting all the pupils red.

Easy list.

Here is a complete list of everything I've never heard of.

End of the road

Ironically, it's only the old people who drive like they've got all the time in the world.

Phone Tag

I hate playing Phone-Tag. I prefer Phone-and-Go-Seek.

I'm here to help.

If you know someone who is paranoid schizophrenic who suddenly can't tell fantasy from reality, here is what you do.

Tell him to center himself, listen closely to his heart, then go down to the CIA and check the videotapes they have of everyone's every waking moment.

If it really happened, it's on those tapes.

Out of the frying pan.

I need a break from staring at my computer screen all day. I wonder what's on TV.