I don't actually have a headache, I'm what they call "a carrier".

- Bernie Keating

Every time Tim does the dishes or the laundry, I thank him. Because guess who would be doing it if I were single.
- Bernie Keating

God's in his heaven and all's right with the world...except the Gulf of Mexico.
- Bernie Keating

Rashômon I feel like I've seen it before.
- Bernie Keating

Relationship advice:
Stop looking for Prince Charming. Start looking for Prince Interesting, or Prince Kind or Prince I'm Not An A**shole.


- Bernie Keating

At some point I switched over from world weary to world wary.

- Bernie Keating

Caution: Life may cause dizziness and/or drowsiness.

- Bernie Keating

A "renewing your vows ceremony" feels a little nervous and defensive.

- Bernie Keating

We are a nation that beeps too much.

- Bernie Keating

And a very special kudos to the first person who said, "Look! That hen is having her period. Let's heat it up and eat it!"
- Bernie Keating