It's a matter of degree.

I called my brother on the East Coast. He said the weather is finally warming up. I told him Los Angeles is freezing cold. He asked how cold. I told him 43 degrees. He said, "Yeah. Same here."

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Advice to writers.

Want to write for television? Change your name to Josh or Dustin.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

No regrets

I've made some really bad decisions in my life. Thank god I have no idea what they are.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Divorce papers or death certificate

50% of marriages end in divorce. Which means the other 50% end in death. Divorce doesn't sound so bad, huh?

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Religious Tolerance

I always respect people's religious beliefs no matter how moronic.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Time flies

They fly in your face, they walk around on your food and regurgitate in it. I think flies are begging us to swat them so they can be reincarnated into something that doesn't eat shit and roadkill.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Black Hawk Down.

Someone asked me if I'd ever seen Black Hawk Down.
I said, "No, but I bet it's really soft."

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

To throw at a helicopter.

Anyone know the brand name of the shoes that were thrown at Bush? I want a pair.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Pearl of wisdom

Oysters are a powerful aphrodisiac. But only if you're an oyster.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Recovered memory

My parents used to torture me as a child. Once or twice a year, they would take me to a room where a man would drill holes in my teeth and fill the holes with metal.

From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?