Career goals

My high school guidance counsellor once asked me which I wanted to be: a CPA or an accountant. I asked "Isn't that just sixty-one, half dozen of another?"

Lotto

I bought a lottery ticket. Then I peed on the floor of the 7-11 because the ticket said "Void where prohibited by law."

Museum

The most confusing and disorienting place in the world: The Red Velvet Rope Museum.

Anagram. Nag a ram.

For people into this sort of thing.

My favorite anagram for George W Bush:

He grew bogus.

My second favorite:

Bush ego grew.

cliches

At the end of the day, you shouldn't use cliches.

Macro

I assume someone's working on inventing the macrowave - something that makes food cold quickly.

Stark raving

Stark raving mad is one thing. But stark raving sane? That's hard to watch.

Smash Mouth Syndrome

A close friend's girlfriend dumped him because of a medical condition he has. It's a condition where -- if his girlfriend comes home after last call smelling of six chardonnays, five b&b's, seven single malt scotches, and two Ice Picks (sweet tea and vodka) -- his fingers spasmodically make the sign of an "L" on his forehead.

Doctors' are still looking for a cure.

Other people's parties....

Bad party tip off. You're trapped in a corner listening to a lecture on "what a two-thirds of a venti iced soy latte does to the colon"

Wisdom

Sounding wise is easy. Take a cliché, twist it, then say something vague.

Example: "At the end of the day, if you haven't finished everything, it just means it's the end of the day."

See? It's sort of "wisdom-lite".