Mark Zuckerberg is a genius. Clicking on a "Like" button is way less
exhausting than typing out "I really enjoyed all of those kitten
collages you reposted today".

Got up. Got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Hurt like hell...

How to end an uncomfortable conversation:
"You're starting to cut out... I can barely hear you. If you can still hear me, let's try this another time. Okay?"
This is especially effective when you're talking to the person face to face.
- Bernie Keating

Halloween drag name:  Reese S. Pieces

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Bernie Keating

In some circles, when I introduce myself and add "And this is my husband, Tim." for the rest of the evening, we are introduced around as "Bernie and his 'friend', Tim."
So. When I'm host and hear "I'm Judy and this is my husband, Bob", I introduce them around as "Judy and her puppy, Bob."

- Bernie Keating

The way to a man's heart is through his liver.

- Bernie Keating

ROFL is good exercise.

- Bernie Keating

Essentially, Facebook is a cyber-bathroom wall.

- Bernie Keating

WTFWJD?
- Bernie Keating

Cross-demoninational song ideas: "Ave Nagila" and "Oy vey Maria".
- Bernie Keating

Facebook exchange:

Bernie Keating: When cabbage goes wrong. Murphy 'slaw.

Loren Nordlund: What you serving it with?

Bernie Keating: Regrets.

- Bernie Keating

The number of times you've asked for a supervisor to complain about a service rep should match the number of times you've asked for a supervisor to compliment a service rep. Otherwise, you're just a crank.
- Bernie Keating

If I had a rat's ass, I certainly would give it.

- Bernie Keating

I don't actually have a headache, I'm what they call "a carrier".

- Bernie Keating

Every time Tim does the dishes or the laundry, I thank him. Because guess who would be doing it if I were single.
- Bernie Keating

God's in his heaven and all's right with the world...except the Gulf of Mexico.
- Bernie Keating

Rashômon I feel like I've seen it before.
- Bernie Keating

Relationship advice:
Stop looking for Prince Charming. Start looking for Prince Interesting, or Prince Kind or Prince I'm Not An A**shole.


- Bernie Keating

At some point I switched over from world weary to world wary.

- Bernie Keating

Caution: Life may cause dizziness and/or drowsiness.

- Bernie Keating