I was singing "Take On Me" and had an Aha moment.

-Bernie Keating

If you're homophobic then at least don't be homophonic. i.e. if you're homophobic, at least shut up about it.
- Bernie Keating

Skiing is god's way of telling you not to ski.

- Bernie Keating

Always remember: if you can't say something I want to hear, don't say anything.

- Bernie Keating

Life is a Whack-A-Mole game. Either you're holding the mallet or your head's in a hole.

The human race has a bizarre inferiority complex. If there is life on other planets, we assume it's more intelligent than we are, but we're better looking.

EGOTISTICAL DRAG NAME: Mimi Pickmi.