Nov 7, 2008

Nov 4, 2008

What a Mormon.

Mormons are backing an anti-gay marriage proposition because they believe in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman.

Nov 3, 2008



When they write my obituary, I hope they mention...

that I faked my death.

What did your mom write on your lunch bag?
"We moved."

I like to wear...
out my welcome.

Why does paper beat rock?
Paper has anger issues.

What would your clown name be?
Admissible evidence.

If I were pregnant, I'd probably crave...
a sex change.

Pardon my...

What's the strangest question you've been asked in a job interview?
"How did you get in here?"

Righty or lefty?
Depends on the magazine.

I have a pierced...

I sleep on my...
own terms.

I'm back in the...
trunk. Call the police.

Look around! What's the closest red object?
Oh dear...I should call my doctor.

A recent poll shows a fifth of Americans cannot locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Because they've been drinking a fifth.

If I'm reincarnated, I'd like to be a...

Can I get a "woop woop"?
I believe so. They're on sale at Target.

Paper, plastic, or re-usable?
Depends on the child.

Fill in the blank: I'm a member of "Generation _________"

What was the worst movie this year?
Showgirls. It's been the worst movie for the past 13 years.

Ginger or Mary Anne?
The Professor.

My friends would shocked if they knew...
they were standing on the third rail.

Which letter of the alphabet can you totally not stand?
Tht wld prbbly b ny f th vwls.

My glass is half...
empty. Bartender!

I feel most powerful when...
I dip kryptonite snuff.

When I call you, my custom ring tone should be...

What would you do if you knew today was your last day to live?
Get a second opinion.

If there's another book, it should be called "Harry Potter and The ..."
Last Harry Potter Book -- Seriously We Mean It.

The best things in life are...

Mary Kate or Ashley?
John Stamos.

Propose a new toothpaste flavor:

If I were a Disney character, I'd be...

I feel naked without my...
nudist colony.

What will your wedding band be made out of?
Bonnie Raitt and Aaron Neville.

I wish my cell phone had a...

My philosophy is...
getting on my nerves.

How do you like your coffee?
It's good. Thanks for asking.

Quick! Make up a new name for a country:

Ignorance is...
actually spelled "ignorrence".

Have you ever been on TV?
Yes, but the employees at Best Buy made me get down.

No matter how desperate I was for a guy/girl, I'd never...
admit it.

How many hours of sleep do you need?
All of them.

My biggest regret is...

Who's a bigger pushover? Mom or Dad?
They're both dead so it's pretty evenly tied.

I shower in the...

What time period would you like to live in for a week?
7 days is really the only time period you can live in for a week.

I'll wait until nobody is looking, then I'll...
Close my raincoat.

If I had to jump from the top of a building, I'd prefer to land in...
the shortest amount of time.

What did you say the last time you drunk dialed?
"Damn, my phone is still busy."

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
A Democrats for Palin rally.

Everything is negotiable in a relationship, except...
Monopoly money.

Bury me with my...
head attached.

When you get stressed, what are you most likely to throw out the window?

If you had your own army of 1000 identical five year olds, what would you have them do?
Return to Utah.

Though I try to hide it, I'm actually...
an elephantiasis survivor.

There's something fishy about...

Boxers or briefs?
Depends on who's throwing them.

Martha or Oprah?
If it's arm wrestling, Martha.

There's more to life than...

Election Day Promise

Text message to everyone I know: I find out that you didn't vote tomorrow, I will slap you with an open hand.

Ctl Salt Del

As far as I'm concerned, food is just that stuff you put under salt.

Nov 2, 2008

Communication problems.

How to end an uncomfortable conversation: "Hold on a second. You're starting to cut out... I can barely hear you. You're breaking up. If you can still hear me, let's try this another time. Okay?"

This is especially effective when you're talking to the person face to face.