Happy Halloween

"It's Halloween in Los Angeles."
"How can you tell?"

This actually happened.

The woman behind me in the supermarket had a baby in her cart. The baby lets out an ear-splitting squeal. The mother turns to me and says, "She needs brake fluid."

Naked truth

If you're nervous at the thought of speaking in front of a group, use this tried and true technique. Look out into the audience, picture each and every audience member naked, then excuse yourself to go throw up in a bucket.