Not a sign

Nobody knows this but the International Brotherhood of Picket Sign Manufacturers have been out on strike for a year.

Believe it or not, these will make you look smart

When expressing opinions, try these handy phrases. Believe it or not, they will make you look smart:

• "I wouldn't know anything about that because I've never been overweight."
• "Since I'm not black, I really couldn't have an informed opinion on it."
• "You really should ask a woman. Any one of them would know better than me."
• "Beats me. Ask a gay person."

Fool proof birth control

Text message to Sarah Palin:
There is only one birth control method that is as foolproof as abstinence and that is lesbianism. And, much like abstinence, it's not for everyone.