Aug 23, 2008

House wife

What McCain should have said when asked how many houses he owns: "You mean 'How many houses does my wife own? Hell, if I know.' "

And any noun wit "ize" on the end.

Verbs we didn't have when I was growing up: hydrate, strategize, IM, waterboard, supersize, Tivo, outsource, and crunk.

Aug 22, 2008

The age is 53

There's an age where you go from "checking to see if your fly is up" to "checking to see if you're wearing pants".


When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: "Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours, to see. Que Sera, Sera."

Here's what I said to her: "Asshole...."

Aug 20, 2008

Hair Apparent

Text message to Women Who Think Men Age More Gracefully than Women:
You get to keep your hair!

Aug 19, 2008

You know what I really hate? Okay, I'll tell you.

I hate when they do a remake of a movie that only came out three years ago. Even worse, I hate when I realize that the movie that came out three years ago actually came out twelve years ago.


I think everyone has been calling me paranoid behind my back.