Can't win.

Don't get involved with a ventriloquist. The arguments are all "Stop putting words in my mouth!"

Let's get real

The most compelling heterosexual arguments against gay marriage:

• No matter how good-looking they are, you're not going to like the strippers at the bachelor party.
• Picturing the honeymoon.
• No matter where you're from, the wedding is in Massachusetts

The most compelling heterosexual arguments for gay marriage:

• Reception music you can actually dance to.
• The straight single women at the reception are really available.
• 50% of all gay marriages don't have bridesmaids gowns. Lesbians refuse to wear them.