Head of lettuce

I met a guy who worked in a cryogenics lab. I was curious and just had to ask:

"Do they put of box of baking soda in the freezer to keep the heads fresh?"

Dalai Lama

My secret life's ambition:

To make the Dalai Lama laugh so hard, milk shoots out of his nose.

(Note to self: find out if Dalai Lama drinks milk.)

Print these on small cards -- like business cards -- and distribute them wisely.



Let's use our indoor voices, shall we?


This is not a parking space.


Now would be a good time to teach that child manners.


Rearrange your purse in the parking lot.


Lose the cologne.


Consider getting a reasonable sized car the next time.


Everyone behind you is siding with the saleslady.


Practice entering your ATM number at home.

From the "Wish I'd Said It" Files

"Unfortunately, I waited until the last minute to procrastinate."

Answer

The answer to the question, "I mean, is it just me?" is always. "Yes."

Journalism question.

Journalism question.

Is it my imagination or does the phrase "Now is a time for healing" actually mean "We're sick of reporting on this and want to go back to writing stories about how slutty Lindsay Lohen and Tara Reid are."?

Great joke. Google the setup

"Tacks? I thought you just rolled them on"

Vegetarian

I once told my mother that the vegetarian motto was "Never eat anything with a face."

She said, "I don't. It's always gone by the time I get to it."

At the beach.

I was having a quiet day at the beach when suddenly thousands and thousands of tiny little lemming suicide notes washed ashore.