Let's oversimplify!

The difference between Liberal Nutbuckets and Conservative Nutbuckets:

Liberal Nutbuckets: We're right.

Conservative Nutbuckets: God told us we're right.

Ironically.

Researchers have determined that swine appreciate pearls more than any other land mammal.

No shoes

I used to complain that I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet. Then I met a man with no legs. Then I met a man with no hands. Then I met a man with no arms. Then I left the emergency room and went to a shoe store.

Crisis

Overheard by my dear friend, Don McCorry:

"Typically I'm the one who remains calm in the event of a crisis because I'm usually responsible for it."

Amend the constitution

I'd like to propose a constitutional amendment: "Adultery in the United States shall consist only of sexual relations between a man and a woman outside of marriage".

Only in this way can we preserve the sanctity of adultery.

Bird sniffles

Here's a scary thing:
if you were to contract bird flu, the first thing people will want to give you is chicken soup.

Opposites attract

Several of my siblings are engaged in "opposite sex marriages".
My tolerance for it is both admirable and, quite frankly, touching.

It gives me pause

My favorite thing about staying home:
At home, I can pretty much pause anything.

Interesting sidenote: when I was growing up, "pause" was not a transitive verb.

Oscars.

I saw Oprah Winfrey interviewing Chris Rock and Jamie Foxx while Barbara Walters was interviewing Will Farrell and wishing she was black.

Birthday

My brother Patrick's birthday is on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't remember when my brother Arbor's birthday is.

Cow tipping

I could never do "cow tipping" because I always thought it cruel.
I'm the grand master of "asshole tipping" though.

" "

If "no comment" is in fact a comment, then I can't stress this enough: " "

You can quote me on that.

Cynicism

I'm told that someday I might get over my cynicism but I seriously doubt it.

The Tonight Show from hell...

I can only assume Johnny Carson wanted Hunter S. Thompson and Sandra Dee as his first guests.