What an oxymoron....

"Living in Los Angeles" is an oxymoron.

New law

New law: if you use your cell phone in your car, your cell number will be displayed on the back of your car so the person behind you can call you and say, "It's green."

New Testament in a nutshell

J esus only hated two things: rich people and figs.

Sponge worthy

Sponge Bob is not gay. He's a contraceptive device.

I'm an optimist

During the entire Bush administration, I've been waiting for Ashton Kucher to show up on national news and tell the nation, "You've been punked!" It's getting a little late for that, huh?

Trivia

If Paris Hilton were to go bankrupt, she is legally required to change her name to "Paris Motel 6".

Director's cut

Here's what I love about the DVD "director's cut" of awesomely bad flop movies. Apparently, the problem with these flops is they weren't long enough.

"Just give us another 2 or 3 hours to convince you that this is a great movie."

Sure. We got time.

Surprise

We threw a surprise Botox party for a friend. She didn't look surprised.

My film review

Saw "Million Dollar Baby" and here's an odd thing. There's not a single swear word in it. Apparently swearing isn't very ladylike.

Advice from my first agent

Always wear great-looking shoes. It makes everything else you're wearing look deliberate.

Bald

It's not a bald spot. It's nature's yarmulke

Carnac

Sigmund Freud, Lenin, Johnny Carson.

Name a head guy, a red guy, and a dead guy.

Algebra

I could never figure out why people complained about Algebra.

It was the only Math where every answer was just any letter you hadn't already used.

Sponge Bob

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for the Religious Right to drag out another cartoon character and Out him or her. It's becoming one of the signs of Spring.