Jan 21, 2005

It's true

Llkjf dfgfk; nnd h0v yhrudg /r @$%4 dfagfj df fdsa when you're drunk.

What you eat

The first time I heard the phrase "You are what you eat", I was eating Jamaican jerk chicken. Harsh way to find out you're Jamaican if you ask me....

Fountain of youth

You're only young as you feel. So I suggest you only feel young people.


In math class, we had to learn about radicals. Like "Maxcolm X where X=9"

Nose trouble

Someone asked me, "You writing a book or you got nose trouble?" Which was weird, because at the time I was writing a book about nose trouble.

When we were young

When we were young, we thought we knew everything. Now that we're older, we know we didn't know anything and yet we still managed to do everything better than "the kids today".

Yes or No?

I'm fine with "Yes". I'm fine with "No". "Maybe" makes me nuts.

Jan 20, 2005

Serious question

Serious question: is it illegal to sing in your car in Los Angeles county? Because I got pulled over three times today. Twice by the cops....

Shaken not stirred

The other day, I ordered a Martini with a twist. Moments later, the waiter said, "Here's your martini and I'm your long lost brother."

Jan 19, 2005


A friend of mine is learning carbon dating. He's learning to date carbon based life forms. Exclusively.

Jan 18, 2005


The pagan babies we adopted in grade school are probably pagan college students by now.

Do you know what it's like to worry that some South American pagan named Margaret or Patrick will show up at the door saying, "So what's the deal? You don't send quarters anymore?"

Recipe for success.

When someone tells me I've made a tasteless remark, I tell them I wasn't going for taste -- I was going for presentation.


Here's the new answer to the question "How old do I look?"

"You don't look a day over 56."

Stick to that answer. Use it on everyone. You'll find you'll be asked that question less and less.


Life's really really really really really really complicated. It's that simple.

I think I said the wrong thing

A couple I know was pregnant and called to tell me they had lost the baby. I told them to keep looking -- it's always in the last place you look.

Jan 17, 2005

Memory bee

Memorise this sentance:

Mischeiveous Nasturtiams -- Easly Mispelled -- Occassionally Nausceate Indespensable Checkoslovakians.

It's the best way to remember how to spell MNEUMONIC.

Jan 16, 2005

Mea Culpa

In second grade, whenever we talked in class, Sister Dierdre would point to the crucifix and say, "You're driving those nails in deeper." Once I said, "Hey! If we keep talking, pretty soon he'll fall off." The rest of the day did not go well....

Escort service station

Oh sure, they call it "the Ford Escort" but we all know that it's really "the Ford Hooker".

Piano lesson

A Chinese friend is learning to play piano. He hasn't figured out "Chopsticks" yet but my god! You should hear him play "Forks".


My dentist gave me novocaine but it wasn't numb enough.
He gave me more novocaine and asked "Number?" I said, "I'll guess 'Five'."