Vegas

Be careful in Las Vegas. I lost one of my arms to a one-armed bandit

Christmas addendum

Let's face it: the true meaning of Christmas is learning how to wait for the things you want with a certain amount of grace.

Complaint

Some people say, "I'm not complaining but..." and then start complaining.


So I say, "I'm not saying 'Shut up and stop complaining' but... "

I do

Before anyone gets too puffed up about "the sanctity of marriage", let's keep this in mind: Michael Jackson was married. Twice.

Certainly

I read in a novel that the main character was about to die "a certain death". I thought, Don't be coy. What kind of death is it?

I'm here to help

Always remember: if you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.

More from Grandma Britney

"I broke my hizzip?! Shut up!"

National Treasures

I think we should update our national symbols to reflect pop culture. Just off the top of my head:

New national Bird: Chicken McNugget

New National Anthem: Car Alarm Sound

New National pastime: Complaining about AOL

Beverly Hills

I was in Beverly Hills for brunch yesterday and ordered a Fabergé omelet.

Dewey Decimal

When I first heard of the Dewey Decimal system, I was surprised. I certainly wouldn't name my kid "Dewey" if my last name were Decimal.

Reality check

They didn't have reality television in the '50s because most households didn't have a television. Even fewer households had reality.

Lemons

When life hands you lemons, write an annoying cliché about it.

Bien sur

A friend of mine from Paris was having a hard time emailing a message to me. So I told him to just go ahead and send it escargot mail.

Time is money

If Time is money then money flies when you're having fun.

Yule be disappointed

Growing up, all I ever wanted one thing for Christmas: loyal subjects.
But my parents claimed they were too hard to wrap.
Of course, now that I'm older I realize you can wrap them in tissue and raffia.

Advice

Don't think with your mouth open.

Race

Here's the hilarious thing about racists. Basically they're doing everything in their power not to have kids that look like Halle Berry.

Holy water

My first day of school I told the nun I had to go to the bathroom. She said "We don't have "bathrooms"; we have 'lavatories'." So I asked, "Where's this 'lavatory'?" She said it was right next to the cloakroom. I asked, "What's a cloakroom?" She said it was the room out in the corridor. So I peed on her. I didn't have time to stand around listening to some penguin speaking in tongues....

Mr.understood

Alecia Moore dyed her hair pink and changed her name to Pink.

I've just changed my name to Bald.

Wish me luck.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

There was only one good thing about going to Catholic school -- stigmata was a legitimate excuse for getting out of gym.

Rich and Famous

Rich and Famous are two completely different things. Rich means you can afford the best restaurants. Famous means people will bother you while you're eating at the best restaurants.

With friends like these...

I stopped cooking when my friends accused me of using the smoke detector as a timer.

Historical trivia

The early Mormons found that their numbers rose dramatically after they added the second "M" to their name.

Ytinasni

I started to go to a therapist who has a PhD in Ygolohcysp. He's a reverse psychologist. After each session, he tells me to never come back again.

Soap

If you have to clean your soap dish, you're buying bad soap.

Orphan

The hardest part about losing your parents: people only want to adopt those "cute little under-30 kids".

When Nature calls

Some mornings, Nature doesn't call. Some mornings it shows up and leans on the doorbell.

Dog fashion

When you put an outfit on your dog, you are not dressing it up; you are punishing it.

Say cheese

Anything that is labeled "cheese food" is neither.

If you want to remember one thing and one thing only about what's funny and what isn't funny:

Short's funny.

Pure poetry

Scientists contend we only use 10% of our brains. Less if you're at a poetry reading.