Mark Zuckerberg is a genius. Clicking on a "Like" button is way less
exhausting than typing out "I really enjoyed all of those kitten
collages you reposted today".

Got up. Got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Hurt like hell...

How to end an uncomfortable conversation:
"You're starting to cut out... I can barely hear you. If you can still hear me, let's try this another time. Okay?"
This is especially effective when you're talking to the person face to face.
- Bernie Keating

Halloween drag name:  Reese S. Pieces

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Bernie Keating

In some circles, when I introduce myself and add "And this is my husband, Tim." for the rest of the evening, we are introduced around as "Bernie and his 'friend', Tim."
So. When I'm host and hear "I'm Judy and this is my husband, Bob", I introduce them around as "Judy and her puppy, Bob."

- Bernie Keating

The way to a man's heart is through his liver.

- Bernie Keating

ROFL is good exercise.

- Bernie Keating

Essentially, Facebook is a cyber-bathroom wall.

- Bernie Keating

WTFWJD?
- Bernie Keating

Cross-demoninational song ideas: "Ave Nagila" and "Oy vey Maria".
- Bernie Keating