What Fresh Hell Is This?

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-93521662011-09-11T08:32:03.612-07:00What Fresh Hell Is This?Bernie Keating's BlogBernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comBlogger9431100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-19526290691566260422011-09-11T08:32:00.001-07:002011-09-11T08:32:03.674-07:00

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius. Clicking on a "Like" button is way lessexhausting than typing out "I really enjoyed all of those kittencollages you reposted today".

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-6154083480203452172011-08-17T08:25:00.001-07:002011-08-17T09:00:42.135-07:00

Got up. Got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Hurt like hell...

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-60668455156539810872010-10-31T11:53:00.000-07:002010-10-31T11:53:09.442-07:00

How to end an uncomfortable conversation: "You're starting to cut out... I can barely hear you. If you can still hear me, let's try this another time. Okay?" This is especially effective when you're talking to the person face to face. - Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-7529338327532449442010-10-03T05:42:00.001-07:002010-10-03T05:42:16.650-07:00

Halloween drag name: Reese S. Pieces-- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-5262820303477494862010-09-28T19:02:00.000-07:002010-09-28T19:02:36.533-07:00

In some circles, when I introduce myself and add "And this is my husband, Tim." for the rest of the evening, we are introduced around as "Bernie and his 'friend', Tim." So. When I'm host and hear "I'm Judy and this is my husband, Bob", I introduce them around as "Judy and her puppy, Bob." - Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-21733088515463153392010-09-23T10:24:00.001-07:002010-09-23T10:24:58.608-07:00

The way to a man's heart is through his liver.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-1717103441339982812010-09-22T05:38:00.001-07:002010-09-22T05:38:24.684-07:00

ROFL is good exercise.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-36945991412260047012010-09-01T10:55:00.001-07:002010-09-01T10:55:34.586-07:00

Essentially, Facebook is a cyber-bathroom wall.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-67673866627883693472010-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:002010-08-31T15:44:42.555-07:00

WTFWJD?- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-51467205238075832712010-08-20T15:07:00.001-07:002010-08-20T15:07:14.259-07:00

Cross-demoninational song ideas: "Ave Nagila" and "Oy vey Maria".- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-37663517648204905962010-07-25T09:43:00.000-07:002010-07-25T09:44:05.384-07:00

Facebook exchange:Bernie Keating: When cabbage goes wrong. Murphy 'slaw.Loren Nordlund: What you serving it with?Bernie Keating: Regrets.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-65593496634538526052010-07-18T11:14:00.001-07:002010-07-18T11:14:38.963-07:00

The number of times you've asked for a supervisor to complain about a service rep should match the number of times you've asked for a supervisor to compliment a service rep. Otherwise, you're just a crank.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-66510745964409330232010-07-15T07:36:00.001-07:002010-07-15T07:36:49.665-07:00

If I had a rat's ass, I certainly would give it.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-21398132807563974742010-07-14T06:58:00.000-07:002010-07-14T06:59:07.442-07:00

I don't actually have a headache, I'm what they call "a carrier".- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-34620641509300810402010-06-19T09:10:00.000-07:002010-06-19T09:11:14.701-07:00

Every time Tim does the dishes or the laundry, I thank him. Because guess who would be doing it if I were single.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-2655898100416809812010-06-17T06:11:00.001-07:002010-06-17T06:11:44.976-07:00

God's in his heaven and all's right with the world...except the Gulf of Mexico.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-13117598679871406992010-06-16T07:47:00.001-07:002010-06-16T07:47:58.962-07:00

Rashômon I feel like I've seen it before.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-61204080284554201452010-05-25T20:58:00.000-07:002010-05-25T21:00:16.292-07:00

Relationship advice:Stop looking for Prince Charming. Start looking for Prince Interesting, or Prince Kind or Prince I'm Not An A**shole.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-89325101496910466112010-05-22T17:07:00.001-07:002010-05-22T17:07:46.093-07:00

At some point I switched over from world weary to world wary.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-19445363554284949452010-05-21T21:58:00.000-07:002010-05-21T22:22:01.827-07:00

Caution: Life may cause dizziness and/or drowsiness. - Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-64747811802620732912010-05-20T20:33:00.000-07:002010-05-20T20:34:58.751-07:00

A "renewing your vows ceremony" feels a little nervous and defensive.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-68319670540782413602010-05-19T11:07:00.001-07:002010-05-19T11:07:32.168-07:00

We are a nation that beeps too much.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-33063726921156516942010-05-18T08:55:00.000-07:002010-05-18T08:56:14.475-07:00

And a very special kudos to the first person who said, "Look! That hen is having her period. Let's heat it up and eat it!"- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-12755086296444967612010-05-11T16:02:00.001-07:002010-05-11T16:02:56.425-07:00

New rule: if you correct someone's grammar, they get to correct your manners.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-55066022748156879062010-05-09T21:26:00.000-07:002010-05-09T21:27:16.235-07:00

I want to adopt a child. So I can name it Ringo Gummo Chico Curly Joe Ono. Or "Second Banana" for short.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-34451380093742102152010-05-08T04:52:00.001-07:002010-05-08T04:52:39.384-07:00

Australian drag name: Sidney Operahaus.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-56228299503263853572010-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:002010-05-02T16:31:35.883-07:00

A friend of mine asked her husband how to spell a word and he said "Why don't you try sounding it out?" She said, "I'll try sounding it out after you spell 'pharmacy' and 'chrysanthemum'."- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-48666278000373238502010-04-27T10:42:00.001-07:002010-04-27T10:42:46.992-07:00

Getting old is getting old.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-84267714128984808402010-04-23T08:16:00.001-07:002010-04-23T08:21:08.684-07:00

Crime is great. It makes movies seem so much more realistic.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-49251615286807518022010-04-22T15:42:00.000-07:002010-04-22T16:01:01.526-07:00

Because I live with someone, I have this thought at least once a day: "Why in God's name would he leave that there?! Oh wait...I left that there...."- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-14911501262910856982010-04-18T16:53:00.000-07:002010-04-18T16:54:07.061-07:00

Trivia question: How do you spell "trivia"? - Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-1140883591209444822010-04-07T20:19:00.001-07:002010-04-07T20:19:18.557-07:00

I was singing "Take On Me" and had an Aha moment.-Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-80821900356686026682010-04-07T14:04:00.001-07:002010-04-07T15:10:26.074-07:00

If you're homophobic then at least don't be homophonic. i.e. if you're homophobic, at least shut up about it.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-29966740920457677042010-04-04T10:16:00.001-07:002010-04-04T10:16:25.569-07:00

Skiing is god's way of telling you not to ski.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-82981336236426367302010-04-03T06:40:00.000-07:002010-04-03T06:41:30.161-07:00

Always remember: if you can't say something I want to hear, don't say anything.- Bernie Keating

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-3022886294805734642010-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:002010-04-02T10:24:04.134-07:00

Life is a Whack-A-Mole game. Either you're holding the mallet or your head's in a hole.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-57929376319081407122010-04-01T09:50:00.000-07:002010-04-01T09:52:52.465-07:00

The human race has a bizarre inferiority complex. If there is life on other planets, we assume it's more intelligent than we are, but we're better looking.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-53142286583171061062010-04-01T07:35:00.001-07:002010-04-01T07:35:50.229-07:00

EGOTISTICAL DRAG NAME: Mimi Pickmi.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-13706027936816630992010-03-31T09:56:00.000-07:002010-03-31T09:57:28.527-07:00

ACTUAL CONVERSATION:"I have Bell's Palsy.""And he has yours?"

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-12477178338691971942010-03-28T07:32:00.001-07:002010-03-28T07:32:59.261-07:00

A birthday marks another year away from and towards dirty diapers.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-27230624167310366122010-03-27T07:33:00.000-07:002010-03-27T07:34:41.874-07:00

I'M NOT KIDDING: The US Census form has this under race: "Black, African Am., or Negro". So next to "White" I wrote in "Caucasian, Cracker".

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-12618985897646978122010-03-25T08:04:00.000-07:002010-03-25T08:05:58.276-07:00

Some see the martini glass is half empty. I see the martini glass as half drunk.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-55339043542993292832010-03-23T16:49:00.001-07:002010-03-23T16:49:54.250-07:00

My "Aha Moment": I really hate the phrase "Aha Moment".

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-3291484992390158412010-03-23T08:18:00.000-07:002010-03-23T08:19:04.095-07:00

Don't kill me with kindness. Use cheese.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-21624238088145946102010-03-22T11:50:00.000-07:002010-03-22T11:51:16.117-07:00

What came first, the chicken or the egg? According to "pro-lifers", they're the same thing.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-15978994362806804792010-03-21T13:23:00.000-07:002010-03-21T13:24:28.623-07:00

Our house is a mess. But in our defense, we live there.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-49457342346401997072010-03-19T21:53:00.000-07:002010-03-19T21:54:58.093-07:00

TRANSITIONS: There's a point in your life where you stop making fun of old people and start making fun of young people.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-28058964701491128522010-03-18T06:38:00.000-07:002010-03-18T06:46:01.346-07:00

Help stamp out SCIDS. Sudden Celebrity Intravenous Death Syndrome.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-10544363182094503842010-03-12T10:15:00.000-08:002010-03-12T10:17:03.323-08:00

COOKING CLASS: I love cooking. As long as there is no real effort involved and it doesn't have to taste good.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-11931742764079411922010-03-08T17:58:00.001-08:002010-03-08T17:58:47.933-08:00

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Food is just that stuff you put under cheese.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-56613961005808924462010-03-06T09:07:00.000-08:002010-03-06T09:08:53.567-08:00

HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR AGE: Do you remember where you were when you heard A. Kennedy was shot. B. John Lennon was shot. C. the World Trade Center fell D. Michael Jackson died?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-17785188191911340422010-03-03T16:10:00.000-08:002010-03-03T16:11:25.579-08:00

IF YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO EAT: "There are a million starving people in China, and you, my friend, are about to become one of them."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-50017725971320523002010-03-02T22:45:00.000-08:002010-03-03T07:44:12.091-08:00

Don't judge me. Out loud.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-52919104651415630382010-03-02T20:10:00.001-08:002010-03-02T20:10:48.011-08:00

Housework is invisible. People only notice when you haven't done it.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-18732162846421466382010-03-02T09:09:00.000-08:002010-03-02T09:10:09.260-08:00

HOME ECONOMICS. As soon as you step out of your front door, at least $40 just flies out of your pocket.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-60584482478288345302010-02-27T17:59:00.000-08:002010-02-27T18:00:55.658-08:00

The key to a successful relationship: Never go to bed angry. Or hungry. Or drunk. Or with someone other than your spouse. Or in any combination of those.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-68385272378585341022010-02-23T12:35:00.000-08:002010-02-23T12:36:01.252-08:00

I started smoking to help me quit the Nicotine Patch.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-81053531963765431322010-02-21T22:50:00.001-08:002010-02-21T22:51:10.114-08:00

I predict:"And what do you want to be when you grow up?""Viral."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-85644025891365367142010-02-20T18:02:00.000-08:002010-02-20T18:03:40.378-08:00

I crossed a poodle with a poodle and got a Poopadoodle.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-61056601799922819342010-02-17T19:39:00.000-08:002010-02-17T19:40:45.206-08:00

I asked a 78 year old friend if he had a DVD player. He sighed and asked, "DVDs...are those the round ones?"

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-74092142287108072942010-02-14T15:30:00.000-08:002010-02-14T15:31:02.237-08:00

"He means well" nearly always means "He's an asshole."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-86229926950353770952010-02-03T10:14:00.001-08:002010-02-03T10:14:30.159-08:00

Insomnia is the mother of invention.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-76484180746552020182010-02-02T07:52:00.000-08:002010-02-02T07:53:08.744-08:00

Mean people can be quite useful if they're telling the truth.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-78875935593621868412010-01-29T19:15:00.000-08:002010-01-29T19:16:05.320-08:00

Pardon my French but merde happens.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-66297837417662775902010-01-28T17:25:00.001-08:002010-01-28T17:25:27.093-08:00

The two most annoying moments of my day: getting in the shower and getting out of the shower.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-71956751681838991442010-01-27T18:43:00.001-08:002010-01-27T18:43:32.335-08:00

The most important component of dieting: no one knows you're doing it.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-45981840631840806422010-01-07T07:37:00.000-08:002010-01-07T07:39:32.121-08:00

Have a party. Invite about 10 friends there. Then post on your Facebook page, "Tonight's party should be great. Only one person I hate will be there."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-58115019680576870182010-01-03T13:18:00.001-08:002010-01-03T13:18:31.941-08:00

I really have to stop eavesdropping on people who don't have anything to say.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-52505058329424899012009-12-21T18:12:00.001-08:002009-12-21T18:13:02.566-08:00

I invented the Food Stain t-shirt. A shirt with food stains already printed on them.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-81183154935675011132009-12-08T07:28:00.000-08:002009-12-08T07:29:49.329-08:00

Dreams are directed by someone who knows some of the names in your address book but little else.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-62666711676718050562009-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:002009-12-08T07:54:44.847-08:00

A 20-Something, talking to their kids:"You kids these days don't know how easy you got it! In my day?! You couldn't just put a bag of frozen food in the microwave and cook it! You had to puncture it! Three times! With a fork! Christ...you got it easy...."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-70705725186382569842009-12-02T11:20:00.000-08:002009-12-02T11:22:41.550-08:00

Bathroom scales should have words, not numbers. As in, "I stepped on the scales this morning and I was 'Chunky'. I'm trying to get down to 'Lythe'."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-1993324562476560512009-11-27T07:44:00.000-08:002009-11-27T07:47:28.062-08:00

Friends who no longer talk to you is a lot easier than friends you're not talking to.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-77470642655424161662009-11-22T05:57:00.001-08:002009-11-22T05:57:34.970-08:00

When I was growing up, birthday cards were a lot quieter. .

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-43817545345536730412009-11-14T11:50:00.001-08:002009-11-14T11:50:46.755-08:00

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Message received: stay away from honey.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-58978136033214457702009-11-13T20:25:00.001-08:002009-11-13T20:25:52.393-08:00

Sorry. Some days I'm thinking impaired.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-1726672283721923622009-11-12T22:48:00.000-08:002009-11-12T22:52:42.988-08:00

My new Reality Show pitch: So You Think You Can Cook Like a America's Top Fifth Grader With the Stars of Orange County.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-47612808012623653252009-11-12T09:36:00.000-08:002010-03-28T07:26:19.492-07:00

I called CA DMV and was told the DMV is furloughed on Fridays. I'm proud to say I resisted saying "Really? You sound pretty uptight for someone who's only working 4 days a week."

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-45365171060429710462009-11-04T13:04:00.000-08:002009-11-05T08:15:34.736-08:00

According to the Koreans, the three scariest things in the world are florescent lights, children, and hair.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-77956900160664425342009-10-20T08:06:00.001-07:002009-10-20T08:06:27.639-07:00

Another day, another dolor. _____From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-79542219188842578532009-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:002009-11-29T11:06:15.417-08:00

Sure I'd love to live to a ripe old age except old age can get pretty ripe.

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-22587382993042953262009-10-19T09:39:00.000-07:002009-10-19T09:40:17.897-07:00

Anyone who says they love brussel sprouts is a liar. _____From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-50615864953257560222009-10-16T07:42:00.000-07:002009-10-16T07:44:16.578-07:00Art imitates Life.

Art imitates Life. Having tried it myself, I don't understand why it would want to.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-64132551430262384122009-10-06T01:23:00.000-07:002009-10-06T01:25:29.942-07:00...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend...and confidant. From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-57875692104237856132009-09-29T18:00:00.000-07:002009-10-06T01:26:06.552-07:00Begorrah....

Irish drag name: Erin Go-BralessFrom: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-53592999269683906242009-09-27T10:07:00.001-07:002009-10-06T01:34:46.182-07:00

Text message to the ant that was crawling across my bathroom scale this morning: You look fine.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-29798331766592053712009-09-22T08:04:00.001-07:002009-09-22T08:04:45.271-07:00

Electric cars will ruin the American film industry. Electric cars don't burst into flames when they crash.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-51196272908693715882009-09-17T08:33:00.000-07:002009-09-17T08:34:27.521-07:00Push the envelope

Think outside the box and stop using phrases like "think outside the box".From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-855631850548429912009-09-14T12:14:00.001-07:002009-09-14T12:14:58.594-07:00Right?

I don't mind being wrong. I just like to be the first to point it out.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-74823454094931327842009-09-10T15:24:00.001-07:002009-09-10T15:25:14.890-07:00Now, now.

When Tim says, "You say that now." I tell him, "That's the only time I can say it."From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-91236182296408003352009-09-10T00:18:00.000-07:002009-09-10T00:20:16.053-07:00Ask Oprah

The "Chocolate Covered Marzipan Diet"? Doesn't work.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-77999803818661532452009-09-09T19:09:00.001-07:002009-09-09T19:11:25.205-07:00Goodwill Towards Men

A bum was in front of me in a store today. He put a dollar in change down on the counter and asked the store clerk for a dollar bill. The clerk refused to do it. I stepped in and did the exchange.The store? Goodwill.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-65234178136081269762009-09-09T15:30:00.000-07:002009-09-09T15:32:41.674-07:00Si what I did there?

Couldn't remember the name of a Hispanic co-worker. It was a señor momentFrom: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-80560247842181110812009-09-09T07:44:00.000-07:002009-09-09T08:17:28.307-07:00Just been paying attention

Text message to Republican women: if you husband is anti-gay marriage and pro-family values, he is having an affair.From: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-85257626623144446602009-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:002009-09-05T22:29:23.804-07:00The rents....

I'm so grateful I don't have the type of parents who are always asking: "Why haven't you called? How much are you making? When are you coming home? "...god, rest their souls.From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-62039297538901513552009-09-05T10:01:00.001-07:002009-09-05T10:03:41.457-07:00

You got my back? Take lots of Ibuprofen.From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-2526016193646090292009-09-03T21:44:00.000-07:002009-09-03T21:46:05.846-07:00

I'm a man of many moods. And the only one I hate is the one I'm in.From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-58839146543917416782009-08-30T13:07:00.001-07:002009-08-30T13:08:31.807-07:00Ladies, please!

What I tell women who complain how much they hate men: "Well, there's always women."From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-1464112646455957022009-08-26T20:49:00.000-07:002009-08-26T20:50:58.468-07:00Hurts 300 times more than I expected.

It's my first time to the chiropractor, so I have to ask: is it SOP for the chiropractor to yell, "This is Sparta!" during the procedure?From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9352166.post-51947283522401762422009-08-20T21:27:00.000-07:002009-08-20T21:28:46.223-07:00Milestones.

It's a sad day indeed when you claim to be 29 and then hold for laughter.From the blog: What Fresh Hell Is This?

Bernie Keatinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09911350123371541780noreply@blogger.com